HOWTOTEACHYOURKIDANYTHING
Yes, there will be a test at the end. It's called life. Here's how to make sure your kids ace it
Parents are many things: Providers. Protectors. Boosters. Butlers. And, above all, teachers. If we can't instill a basic (and long) list of life skills in our children, we'll unleash substandard human beings on society. And that should be a felony. The world has enough morons.
The secret to great teaching? Face problems shoulder-to-shoulder with your kids instead of toe-to-toe, says Hal Edward Runkel, family therapist and author of ScreamFree Parenting. "If you continue to lecture and test, you're always the adversary," he says. "Battle each problem, not each other."
These 22 life skills are a start. We asked child-development experts across the country for strategies to break through the disinterest and resistance that usually stymie your efforts. Along the way, you'll cultivate a stronger, more satisfying relationship with your kids, which means they'll be more receptive to all the other wisdom you'll want to impart later in life.
Ages 2-5
Give up blankies and binkies
Before you start thinking about how you're going to get him to ditch the pacifier, ask yourself whether your child is ready, says Joshua Sparrow, M. D., assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and coauthor of Touchpoints Three to Six: Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral Development. "If your child doesn't have another way to manage his or her feelings, the plan is going to backfire," Sparrow says. So, in other words, don't leave them empty-handed. "We all use self-soothing behaviors throughout life," Sparrow explains. "They aren't going to give up their pacifier unless you first help them find a substitute." Likely candidates: toys, stuffed animals, books, exercise. Every kid will find his own way; your job is to follow.
Calm themselves after a tantrum
Hand over a piece of candy and you're giving away the keys to the kingdom. Instead, Runkel advises, stay calm and present. "When a kid throws a fit in a public place, your anxiety is through the roof, which is fuel on the fire," he says. "Same thing if you pretend it's not happening. But if you're calm and present, you're like Tiger Woods. After a bad shot, he slows everything down: rate of speech, rate of walk, rate of breath. It's amazing the power that has." This dead-calm state signals that you will not be rattled and a tantrum will not get results—ever. It probably won't work during the first outburst, Runkel warns, but it's magic by the fifth.
Expand their vocabulary
Researchers advise using a diverse vocabulary with kids, but that doesn't mean you should start reciting Herodotus. Instead, provide creative and dramatic play-byplay for both your activities and surroundings. Don't be shy about using unfamiliar words—children understand a lot of grown-up language just from context. This is a great job for Dad: In families with two working parents, fathers had greater impact than mothers on their children's language development between ages 2 and 3, according to a study published in theJournal of Applied Psychology.
Introduce themselves and shake hands
Start by making your kids want to introduce themselves. How? Tell them adults will take them more seriously, says Sheryl Eberly, author of 365 Manners Kids Should Know. To teach them how to greet people, she suggests the "3 S's and 3 R's" approach. First, smile, stand, and speak loudly enough to be heard. "Don't let them get away with a wave and a grunt from their spot on the couch," Eberly says. Second, remember the name, repeat it, and reach out with a firm handshake. "Have them practice using the name in conversation or when saying goodbye," Eberly says. "It's a sign of confidence that will pay off into adulthood."
Ask for help when lost
By age 3, children should know their full names and their parents' names, says Dorothy drago, M.P.H., author of from crib to kindergarten: the essential child safety guide. Then it's simply a matter of teaching them how to verbalize "I'm lost." explain who's safe to approach: police officers, people working cash registers, and mommies who have kids with them. And play "pretend lost" with them: "OK, you're in a store. You can't find mommy. What should you do?" the more you practice, the less anxiety they'll feel when it actually happens.
Embrace organization and routine
Start your kids on these two now; they're proven long-term stress busters, says Steven Atkins, Psy.D., clinical associate for Dartmouth Medical School's child and adolescent psychology division. "Research has shown that the capacity to manage your materials is directly correlated to how successful you'll be as you get older. Plus, not having routine is extremely disconcerting. Under stress, we all regress to less sophisticated behavior." (Read: We become cranky.) First, cultivate their organizational skills by giving them something to take back and forth to preschool. "Have your kids get in the habit of putting, say, a folder in the same spot before they go to bed," Atkins says. Ask them, "Doesn't it make you happy not to have to search for your folder every morning? Isn't it nice not to be angry that you can't find it?" They'll soon find a regular spot for the toys they always misplace as well.
Second, throw cleanup parties. "Say, 'Let's see who can pick up the most toys and put them in their correct bins,'" Atkins says. "Kids understand the concept that even toys need to go to bed, and competition is always a good thing." And when they win? Act like it's the Super Bowl.
Wipe themselves after going potty
First step: Stop doing it for them. "Would you bother to learn if someone was wiping your butt every day?" Runkel asks (rhetorically, we think). Second step: Give clear instructions. "Here's how you fold the paper, here's how you reach around. Let me look—no, you need to do better." Last step: Let them develop a rash. "Having them try something on their own that has mild consequences," Runkel says, "is often exactly what's called for."
The secret to great teaching? Face problems shoulder-to-shoulder with your kids instead of toe-to-toe, says Hal Edward Runkel, family therapist and author of ScreamFree Parenting. "If you continue to lecture and test, you're always the adversary," he says. "Battle each problem, not each other."
These 22 life skills are a start. We asked child-development experts across the country for strategies to break through the disinterest and resistance that usually stymie your efforts. Along the way, you'll cultivate a stronger, more satisfying relationship with your kids, which means they'll be more receptive to all the other wisdom you'll want to impart later in life.
Ages 2-5
Give up blankies and binkies
Before you start thinking about how you're going to get him to ditch the pacifier, ask yourself whether your child is ready, says Joshua Sparrow, M. D., assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and coauthor of Touchpoints Three to Six: Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral Development. "If your child doesn't have another way to manage his or her feelings, the plan is going to backfire," Sparrow says. So, in other words, don't leave them empty-handed. "We all use self-soothing behaviors throughout life," Sparrow explains. "They aren't going to give up their pacifier unless you first help them find a substitute." Likely candidates: toys, stuffed animals, books, exercise. Every kid will find his own way; your job is to follow.
Calm themselves after a tantrum
Hand over a piece of candy and you're giving away the keys to the kingdom. Instead, Runkel advises, stay calm and present. "When a kid throws a fit in a public place, your anxiety is through the roof, which is fuel on the fire," he says. "Same thing if you pretend it's not happening. But if you're calm and present, you're like Tiger Woods. After a bad shot, he slows everything down: rate of speech, rate of walk, rate of breath. It's amazing the power that has." This dead-calm state signals that you will not be rattled and a tantrum will not get results—ever. It probably won't work during the first outburst, Runkel warns, but it's magic by the fifth.
Expand their vocabulary
Researchers advise using a diverse vocabulary with kids, but that doesn't mean you should start reciting Herodotus. Instead, provide creative and dramatic play-byplay for both your activities and surroundings. Don't be shy about using unfamiliar words—children understand a lot of grown-up language just from context. This is a great job for Dad: In families with two working parents, fathers had greater impact than mothers on their children's language development between ages 2 and 3, according to a study published in theJournal of Applied Psychology.
Introduce themselves and shake hands
Start by making your kids want to introduce themselves. How? Tell them adults will take them more seriously, says Sheryl Eberly, author of 365 Manners Kids Should Know. To teach them how to greet people, she suggests the "3 S's and 3 R's" approach. First, smile, stand, and speak loudly enough to be heard. "Don't let them get away with a wave and a grunt from their spot on the couch," Eberly says. Second, remember the name, repeat it, and reach out with a firm handshake. "Have them practice using the name in conversation or when saying goodbye," Eberly says. "It's a sign of confidence that will pay off into adulthood."
Ask for help when lost
By age 3, children should know their full names and their parents' names, says Dorothy drago, M.P.H., author of from crib to kindergarten: the essential child safety guide. Then it's simply a matter of teaching them how to verbalize "I'm lost." explain who's safe to approach: police officers, people working cash registers, and mommies who have kids with them. And play "pretend lost" with them: "OK, you're in a store. You can't find mommy. What should you do?" the more you practice, the less anxiety they'll feel when it actually happens.
Embrace organization and routine
Start your kids on these two now; they're proven long-term stress busters, says Steven Atkins, Psy.D., clinical associate for Dartmouth Medical School's child and adolescent psychology division. "Research has shown that the capacity to manage your materials is directly correlated to how successful you'll be as you get older. Plus, not having routine is extremely disconcerting. Under stress, we all regress to less sophisticated behavior." (Read: We become cranky.) First, cultivate their organizational skills by giving them something to take back and forth to preschool. "Have your kids get in the habit of putting, say, a folder in the same spot before they go to bed," Atkins says. Ask them, "Doesn't it make you happy not to have to search for your folder every morning? Isn't it nice not to be angry that you can't find it?" They'll soon find a regular spot for the toys they always misplace as well.
Second, throw cleanup parties. "Say, 'Let's see who can pick up the most toys and put them in their correct bins,'" Atkins says. "Kids understand the concept that even toys need to go to bed, and competition is always a good thing." And when they win? Act like it's the Super Bowl.
Wipe themselves after going potty
First step: Stop doing it for them. "Would you bother to learn if someone was wiping your butt every day?" Runkel asks (rhetorically, we think). Second step: Give clear instructions. "Here's how you fold the paper, here's how you reach around. Let me look—no, you need to do better." Last step: Let them develop a rash. "Having them try something on their own that has mild consequences," Runkel says, "is often exactly what's called for."
Wash their hands regularly
Make it a chore and you'll end up with 18 years of filthy fingernails. "You don't want to create negative connotations around daily routines," Drago says. Besides, washing hands can be fun if you...
1. ...use fun soap. Have the kids pick out the colors and smells they like most.
2. ...sing a song while you lather. "Happy Birthday" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" are the perfect length for a good hand scrub.
3. ...do it at the same times every day. Shoot for before meals, after potty, and before bed. If it becomes part of the routine, kids won't fight it.
Tie their shoes
Shoelaces are how we teach kids' fingers and brain to get along, Sparrow says. Don't start until your child is doing fairly detailed work with blocks, crayons, or Legos. Then evaluate how your child learns. Some kids think and learn in words; give them instructions like, "Pull up this string and that string and fold them in half so they look like butterflies." Other kids learn by seeing; show them over and over again. "They're not going to get it the first time, or the 10th time," Sparrow says. "Tell them, 'It's OK to feel frustrated. Keep trying, and eventually your fingers will learn how to do it.'"
Ages 6-9
Handle an emergency
You've already taught them what 911 is, where the fire extinguishers are, and the fire escape plan, right? That's the easy stuff. The tricky part is teaching them calm, Runkel says. "In a crowd, tell them to look for people they can trust—the calm and present authority figures. Follow their commands. Avoid panic and people who are panicking." The best time to talk about emergencies, Runkel says, is during dinner. "Asking kids around the dinner table in a mature tone makes them feel more grown-up. And you want a grown-up level of responsiveness from them during an emergency."
Accept and act on criticism
Kids face criticism from many sources: peers, teachers, coaches, and you. "Let them feel it," Runkel says. "Don't say, 'Oh, don't worry about it.' The lesson here is criticism has only as much power as we give it." Acknowledge that criticism hurts and ask your kids: Is it accurate? If so, what can you learn from it? "Also, give them time to process it," Runkel says. "If you say, 'When you act this way, you're not very likable,' it may not register right away. But they'll be thinking about it."
Hit a baseball
Sure, climbing Everest is hard. But if you really want a challenge, try teaching an 8-year-old to hit a round ball with a round bat. We asked some of the best in the business how to convert a little whiffer into a tiny slugger.
Develop a batting eye
"The best advice you can give is 'see the ball,'" says Julio Franco, a former Major League batting champion who played well into his forties. "It sounds simple, but it isn't for a youngster learning the game. Remind your kid over and over to track the ball and try to see it when it hits the bat."
Teach with imagination
"The best device available is visualization," says Jalal Leach, a former San Francisco Giant and owner of the Baseball Mentoring Program. "When I want a youngster to visualize how to keep his feet parallel, I tell him to imagine standing on a railroad track. When I'm teaching how to stride into the ball, I say 'test the pool water with your front foot.' And instead of saying 'pivot off your back foot' during a swing, I'll say 'squash the bug.' It works beautifully."
Relax
"Tell your kid not to grip the bat too tightly," says Derrek Lee, first baseman for the Chicago Cubs. "All kids want to squeeze the handle really hard, and it's a disaster. And have them maintain a level swing. Kids tend to uppercut wildly in an effort to hit a home run, and it's a terrible habit."
Solve disputes with siblings and friends
Unless one of your kids is dangling the other out the window, don't say a word. You're not listening to only one side, and you're not acting as moderator. "As soon as you become involved, they're no longer interested in finding a solution; they're interested in getting you on their side," says Anthony Wolf, a child psychologist and author of Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me! The Solution to Sibling Bickering. If they keep pestering you, tell them that if you step in it'll be a problem for both of them. Stick with your rigid neutrality, and they'll learn that pleading their case is fruitless. More important, they'll learn to compromise quickly.
Make it a chore and you'll end up with 18 years of filthy fingernails. "You don't want to create negative connotations around daily routines," Drago says. Besides, washing hands can be fun if you...
1. ...use fun soap. Have the kids pick out the colors and smells they like most.
2. ...sing a song while you lather. "Happy Birthday" and "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" are the perfect length for a good hand scrub.
3. ...do it at the same times every day. Shoot for before meals, after potty, and before bed. If it becomes part of the routine, kids won't fight it.
Tie their shoes
Shoelaces are how we teach kids' fingers and brain to get along, Sparrow says. Don't start until your child is doing fairly detailed work with blocks, crayons, or Legos. Then evaluate how your child learns. Some kids think and learn in words; give them instructions like, "Pull up this string and that string and fold them in half so they look like butterflies." Other kids learn by seeing; show them over and over again. "They're not going to get it the first time, or the 10th time," Sparrow says. "Tell them, 'It's OK to feel frustrated. Keep trying, and eventually your fingers will learn how to do it.'"
Ages 6-9
Handle an emergency
You've already taught them what 911 is, where the fire extinguishers are, and the fire escape plan, right? That's the easy stuff. The tricky part is teaching them calm, Runkel says. "In a crowd, tell them to look for people they can trust—the calm and present authority figures. Follow their commands. Avoid panic and people who are panicking." The best time to talk about emergencies, Runkel says, is during dinner. "Asking kids around the dinner table in a mature tone makes them feel more grown-up. And you want a grown-up level of responsiveness from them during an emergency."
Accept and act on criticism
Kids face criticism from many sources: peers, teachers, coaches, and you. "Let them feel it," Runkel says. "Don't say, 'Oh, don't worry about it.' The lesson here is criticism has only as much power as we give it." Acknowledge that criticism hurts and ask your kids: Is it accurate? If so, what can you learn from it? "Also, give them time to process it," Runkel says. "If you say, 'When you act this way, you're not very likable,' it may not register right away. But they'll be thinking about it."
Hit a baseball
Sure, climbing Everest is hard. But if you really want a challenge, try teaching an 8-year-old to hit a round ball with a round bat. We asked some of the best in the business how to convert a little whiffer into a tiny slugger.
Develop a batting eye
"The best advice you can give is 'see the ball,'" says Julio Franco, a former Major League batting champion who played well into his forties. "It sounds simple, but it isn't for a youngster learning the game. Remind your kid over and over to track the ball and try to see it when it hits the bat."
Teach with imagination
"The best device available is visualization," says Jalal Leach, a former San Francisco Giant and owner of the Baseball Mentoring Program. "When I want a youngster to visualize how to keep his feet parallel, I tell him to imagine standing on a railroad track. When I'm teaching how to stride into the ball, I say 'test the pool water with your front foot.' And instead of saying 'pivot off your back foot' during a swing, I'll say 'squash the bug.' It works beautifully."
Relax
"Tell your kid not to grip the bat too tightly," says Derrek Lee, first baseman for the Chicago Cubs. "All kids want to squeeze the handle really hard, and it's a disaster. And have them maintain a level swing. Kids tend to uppercut wildly in an effort to hit a home run, and it's a terrible habit."
Solve disputes with siblings and friends
Unless one of your kids is dangling the other out the window, don't say a word. You're not listening to only one side, and you're not acting as moderator. "As soon as you become involved, they're no longer interested in finding a solution; they're interested in getting you on their side," says Anthony Wolf, a child psychologist and author of Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me! The Solution to Sibling Bickering. If they keep pestering you, tell them that if you step in it'll be a problem for both of them. Stick with your rigid neutrality, and they'll learn that pleading their case is fruitless. More important, they'll learn to compromise quickly.
Ages 10+
Resist the urge to quit
If you want your kids to stick with things, let them quit, Runkel says. "Just make sure they taste the full pain of quitting." When Runkel's son was 8, he wanted to quit baseball. Runkel told him, "Sure, but you have to tell your teammates and coach." The boy couldn't do it. He's played seven seasons now. This works with schoolwork, too: "If your kid wants to give up because a project is too hard, say, 'OK. Tell your teacher you quit and you'll take whatever grade is appropriate.' Trust me, they'll stick it out."
Read food labels
"Contrary to popular belief, kids can learn to make wise food choices," says David Katz, M. D., M. P. H., an associate professor of public health at Yale University and a father of five. "Make it easier by having a wide variety of foods available, but only the healthiest options in each category." Example: They can pick whatever drink they want, as long as it doesn't contain high-fructose corn syrup or exceed 100 calories per serving. Another trick: Steal a page from Eat This, Not That! For Kids ($14, amazon.com) and use visual comparisons to demonstrate how much sugar or salt is in their favorite foods. If you show them the three teaspoons of sugar in each bowl of Froot Loops, they'll think twice.
Have empathy for others
Ask them about the hardest part. "Say, 'Man, it must be hard being an 8-year-old. What's the hardest part?'" Runkel suggests. Then ask about people they know who are having a hard time: "What do you think it's like for your friend whose mom has cancer? What's the hardest part about that?" "This line of questioning will help them develop a sense of 'I'm in their shoes,'" Runkel says. "These questions don't always get answered—sometimes it's 'I don't know'—but this doesn't mean they aren't thinking about it. That's why you should never stop asking."
Be more patient
Don't bother with the "patience is a virtue" nonsense, Runkel says. If you're stuck in a long line or in traffic, explain that it stinks for you, too. "Say, 'Hey, I want to be out of this line more than you do. What's the hardest part about waiting for you?'" Runkel says. "Kids can withstand anything if they're allowed to talk about it, because talking gets them thinking about ways to deal with it." Whatever you do, don't promise a reward just to shut them up. "There's an intrinsic reward in learning to be patient," Runkel points out. "Use the situation itself to make time go faster and help them grow."
Improve their focus
Maybe you don't want a hat-trick-scoring, scholarship-winning, oboe-playing phenom of a child, but our competitive society makes them think otherwise. This explains why so many kids have trouble focusing, says C. Andrew Ramsey, M. D., an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University. Make sure your kids understand your expectations. Explain that developing skills is about mastery. "Whether your child's role model is Tom Brady or Beyoncé, let them know they ascended to lofty heights because they mastered one skill," Ramsey says. "Learn to go through one door and many others will open for you; try to go through five doors at once and you'll go nowhere."
Earn their independence
When your kid asks to stay out later, ask what time works for them. Then ask why—what will they be doing? If you don't get a reasonable answer, say no. If you do, say yes, says psychologist Janet Edgette. Studies show that when parents give children more freedom and responsibility, the kids develop stronger morals more quickly.
Save the world (or at least not be so darn cynical)
As kids struggle to form their identities in our sometimes violent, often materialistic, always tech-obsessed world, they can become more self-centered and less sympathetic. "You'll never turn your son or daughter back into the wide-eyed child they were just a few years ago," Ramsey says. "But you can chip away at their cynicism by calling them to action." Runkel brought his young son to traffic court with him so the boy could see accountability in action. Likewise, Ramsey says, the simple act of volunteering for a day can pay dividends. Kids will see they can make a difference, and they'll be inspired by other people out there doing it every day.
Say no to drugs
Give them the straight dope, Runkel says: "Here's what you're going to encounter. Not might. You will encounter this. I want you to be aware of what these drugs look like and what they do so you're ready." Be as specific as possible, as often as possible. (If you don't know everything about roofies, Ecstasy, or crank, Google them.) That's how drugs go from mystical to matter-of-fact. "I talk about drugs in passing with my kids all the time," Runkel says. "I ask, 'Do you know what a joint is? You want to know what it does to you?' Bring it up again and again until it's, 'Yes, we know, Dad. Shut up already!'" Of course, they might decide to sample something anyway, but at least they'll know the facts when it comes time to make a very important choice.
Ignore peer pressure
For most kids, what peers think is more important than any behavioral consequence. Your task is to shift that balance, says Peter Stavinoha, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical School. How? Tell personal stories. "'What happens if this kid cheats off you and the teacher sees it? Let me tell you about a kid who couldn't get into college because of cheating, or the kid who went to jail because of an ounce of pot, or the kid who killed someone when he was drunk behind the wheel,'" Stavinoha says. It's tough getting a preteen or adolescent to take role-playing seriously, but you can try that, too. "Script scenarios based on what you know about your kids, their friends, and their school," Stavinoha says. "But always bring it back to the real-world consequences of their actions."
Resist the urge to quit
If you want your kids to stick with things, let them quit, Runkel says. "Just make sure they taste the full pain of quitting." When Runkel's son was 8, he wanted to quit baseball. Runkel told him, "Sure, but you have to tell your teammates and coach." The boy couldn't do it. He's played seven seasons now. This works with schoolwork, too: "If your kid wants to give up because a project is too hard, say, 'OK. Tell your teacher you quit and you'll take whatever grade is appropriate.' Trust me, they'll stick it out."
Read food labels
"Contrary to popular belief, kids can learn to make wise food choices," says David Katz, M. D., M. P. H., an associate professor of public health at Yale University and a father of five. "Make it easier by having a wide variety of foods available, but only the healthiest options in each category." Example: They can pick whatever drink they want, as long as it doesn't contain high-fructose corn syrup or exceed 100 calories per serving. Another trick: Steal a page from Eat This, Not That! For Kids ($14, amazon.com) and use visual comparisons to demonstrate how much sugar or salt is in their favorite foods. If you show them the three teaspoons of sugar in each bowl of Froot Loops, they'll think twice.
Have empathy for others
Ask them about the hardest part. "Say, 'Man, it must be hard being an 8-year-old. What's the hardest part?'" Runkel suggests. Then ask about people they know who are having a hard time: "What do you think it's like for your friend whose mom has cancer? What's the hardest part about that?" "This line of questioning will help them develop a sense of 'I'm in their shoes,'" Runkel says. "These questions don't always get answered—sometimes it's 'I don't know'—but this doesn't mean they aren't thinking about it. That's why you should never stop asking."
Be more patient
Don't bother with the "patience is a virtue" nonsense, Runkel says. If you're stuck in a long line or in traffic, explain that it stinks for you, too. "Say, 'Hey, I want to be out of this line more than you do. What's the hardest part about waiting for you?'" Runkel says. "Kids can withstand anything if they're allowed to talk about it, because talking gets them thinking about ways to deal with it." Whatever you do, don't promise a reward just to shut them up. "There's an intrinsic reward in learning to be patient," Runkel points out. "Use the situation itself to make time go faster and help them grow."
Improve their focus
Maybe you don't want a hat-trick-scoring, scholarship-winning, oboe-playing phenom of a child, but our competitive society makes them think otherwise. This explains why so many kids have trouble focusing, says C. Andrew Ramsey, M. D., an assistant clinical professor of psychiatry at Columbia University. Make sure your kids understand your expectations. Explain that developing skills is about mastery. "Whether your child's role model is Tom Brady or Beyoncé, let them know they ascended to lofty heights because they mastered one skill," Ramsey says. "Learn to go through one door and many others will open for you; try to go through five doors at once and you'll go nowhere."
Earn their independence
When your kid asks to stay out later, ask what time works for them. Then ask why—what will they be doing? If you don't get a reasonable answer, say no. If you do, say yes, says psychologist Janet Edgette. Studies show that when parents give children more freedom and responsibility, the kids develop stronger morals more quickly.
Save the world (or at least not be so darn cynical)
As kids struggle to form their identities in our sometimes violent, often materialistic, always tech-obsessed world, they can become more self-centered and less sympathetic. "You'll never turn your son or daughter back into the wide-eyed child they were just a few years ago," Ramsey says. "But you can chip away at their cynicism by calling them to action." Runkel brought his young son to traffic court with him so the boy could see accountability in action. Likewise, Ramsey says, the simple act of volunteering for a day can pay dividends. Kids will see they can make a difference, and they'll be inspired by other people out there doing it every day.
Say no to drugs
Give them the straight dope, Runkel says: "Here's what you're going to encounter. Not might. You will encounter this. I want you to be aware of what these drugs look like and what they do so you're ready." Be as specific as possible, as often as possible. (If you don't know everything about roofies, Ecstasy, or crank, Google them.) That's how drugs go from mystical to matter-of-fact. "I talk about drugs in passing with my kids all the time," Runkel says. "I ask, 'Do you know what a joint is? You want to know what it does to you?' Bring it up again and again until it's, 'Yes, we know, Dad. Shut up already!'" Of course, they might decide to sample something anyway, but at least they'll know the facts when it comes time to make a very important choice.
Ignore peer pressure
For most kids, what peers think is more important than any behavioral consequence. Your task is to shift that balance, says Peter Stavinoha, Ph.D., associate professor of psychology at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical School. How? Tell personal stories. "'What happens if this kid cheats off you and the teacher sees it? Let me tell you about a kid who couldn't get into college because of cheating, or the kid who went to jail because of an ounce of pot, or the kid who killed someone when he was drunk behind the wheel,'" Stavinoha says. It's tough getting a preteen or adolescent to take role-playing seriously, but you can try that, too. "Script scenarios based on what you know about your kids, their friends, and their school," Stavinoha says. "But always bring it back to the real-world consequences of their actions."
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