NewsBy Lee Mathews Jun. 22, 2015 11:13 am
Good news, sufferers of chronic disease! North Korean scientists have made the medical discovery of the millennium: an actualpanacea that really does cure everything!
Pick a malady. Go ahead, pick one. Whatever you picked, the team’shighly scientifical study conclusively proved that the wonder drug — called Kumdang-2 — can defeat it. Cancer and AIDS don’t stand a chance. 56% of AIDS patients trialled experienced “complete cure” and the remaining 44% were “substantially cured” (whatever that means). They don’t offer up specific numbers on cancer patients, though the “survival rate was high” among those receiving Kumdang-2.
Heck, it’ll even help grandma and grandpa fight the effects of aging! The results speak for themselves: “In the medical checkup, the Kumdang-2 injected elders aged 70-80 appeared to be only 45-55 years old in all the health indices.” Subjects “became invigorated” and traded mental and speech disorders for renewed sexual potency.
All that extra intercourse didn’t mean halapoji and halmoni returned to the rest home with a lengthy list of infections, no sir! Venereal diseases? Kumdang-2 can cure them, too. It doesn’t justcure VD, though. It actually made some patients immune to infection! That’s pretty amazing news, especially considering that Kumdang-2 can also combat impotence. It “fill[s] the spermatic sack to the full” and “improves adrenocortical function, thereby making people vigorous.”
Now, disease-free sex is always a lot more enjoyable when you and your partner are looking good, and this amazing new drug can help there, too! You just have to cover your face in Kumdang and blemishes, rashes, pimples and blackheads, and wrinkles disappear and muscle tone improves. The effects are better if you apply externally and take injections, because “proliferation of healthy cells started both from exterior skin and from inside.”
Glamour shots never looked better.
Kids not growing up as tall as you’d hoped? No problem, just start them on a course of Kumdang-2 injections. It’ll boost their appetites and make them both taller and stronger.
Pretty amazing, right? But get this: if your kids should ever get a little too experimental and get hooked on drugs, a quick course of Kumdang-2 will help them kick the habit. Yes, it even cures chemical addictions. There really doesn’t seem to be anything that this wondrous concoction — made from a mixture of ginseng and rare earths elements like platinum and gold — can cure.
With a 98.5% reported cure rate across millions of patients throughout the course of the study, it’s clear that Kim Jong-un’s top medical researchers have really outdone themselves. A study this mind-blowing could only have come from the same minds who said that their leader has magical abilities that make it so he never has to go to the bathroom and can control the weather.
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